© 2010 8 Sided Films
TREATMENT: KOLYA’S MOSCOW FAIRY TALE
Sitting between the beds of his beautiful, raven-haired twin girls, a massive, bald-headed oaf named KOLYA tells a bedtime story:
There is a city, and in the city there is a king. This king came from a humble home to rule the city, and because there are so many people who want to rule the city instead, the King has a warrior. That warrior has promised to defend the kingdom against the king’s enemies, and the king has promised the warrior a massive chest of treasure.
That treasure will be how Kolya gives his daughters the life they deserve. Once Kolya’s daughters are tucked into bed, he pulls on his massive kaftan, grabs his shotgun, leaves his one-room apartment…
…to find VICTOR, a skinny, short rat of a man waiting for him in the hall. Victor lectures Kolya on the importance of avoiding responsibility, Kolya expounds on the provincial pleasures of legacy, while the two of them make their way across town to:
FYODOR TSARYEVICH. Mr. Big. Tonight, Fyodor Tsaryevich has a special mission for the boys…
His son, FYODOR FYODOROVICH, was recently reprimanded by an old woman for urinating in a public place, as is his want. Not receptive to constructive criticism, the boy told the old woman that he would have her killed – and in response, the old woman cursed him to grow up fat and ugly with no sons and many debts.
Nobody curses Fyodor Fyodorovich. This old woman owns a small shop full of antiques and knick-knacks, and Kolya and Victor are asked to… rearrange things. Standing in the cluttered shop, Victor and Kolya debate the ethics of breaking an old woman’s things... when the OLD CRONE confronts them. Sheepishly, Kolya excuses himself on the grounds that work is work, and orders are orders. Gaining confidence, Kolya issues the old woman a verbal reprimand before taking his leave.
As Kolya’s daughters are leaving school the very next day, they are beset by the old crone. Drawing them close in conversation, she tells them their father is not the hero he pretends to be… an idea which Kolya’s daughters emphatically reject! If Kolya is indeed the noble warrior, reasons the crone, then he should have no trouble swearing on it. To the knee-breaker’s daughters, the crone bequeaths a magic candle. If Kolya swears on the candle and his stories are true, then the candle will never burn out. If not…
That night, Kolya’s daughters get him to swear on the candle. When Kolya wakes up the next morning, his daughters are gone.
Fyodor Tsaryevich calls Kolya with work, but Kolya needs to find his daughters. When the boss sends Victor to help Kolya, they come up dry. Finally, Fyodor Tsaryevich tells Kolya it’s time to come to work, or else.
Victor urges Kolya to come to work, and Kolya asks Victor to choose between Fyodor Tsaryevich… or the friendship they’ve shared since childhood. Victor may be a weasel, but a loyal weasel he remains.
“Finally,” says the sooty wee codger living under Kolya’s oven. After blowing half the apartment to hell trying to exterminate the uninvited creature, Kolya and Victor find the presence of mind to start listening to the ornery gnome.
First, the cantankerous creature wants it known that he’s sick and tired of watching watching these daughters make an unholy mess while their Papa runs around threatening people like a teenager trying to impress the schoolyard bully. Only when Kolya admits that maybe there’s room for improvement will the skinny old dwarf comment on the candle.
That candle, he says, is with his little girls. It’s their only source of light while they sit in Baba Yaga oven, back in her apartment above the antique shop. When it burns down to a nub, the old woman is turning on the gas. In Moscow, you ought not be messing with an old woman’s things - no matter who tells you to.
When Kolya shows up at the old woman’s apartment above the antique shop, Victor in tow, demanding the return of his daughters with his trust shotgun as leverage, the old woman simply smiles.
Right there in his hands, the shotgun covers itself with rust. When Victor threatens physical violence, the old crone simply suggests he reconsider before she takes something of his as well.
Standing there helpless, the boys are forced to ask what it will take to get the girls back. Victor points out that they didn’t actually wreck the shop.
Considering their plight for mercy, the old woman agrees to give the gangsters three chances to win back the girls. If they succeed, all is forgiven. If they fail, she gets to eat the grown-ups too!
To appease her, the boys must find a golden chamomile flower, sprouted in the sun’s first light.
What choice do they have? Together, the boys hit the flower stands of Moscow. Their usual guy is PASHA, a street purveyor who sells wilting roses to hapless thugs on their way up the subway stairs. Pasha doesn’t even know what a golden chamomile is… but his girlfriend KATYA might. She’s a fortune teller who works the subways. For a price, she tells the boys that the golden chamomile is a legendary flower that once took root at the peak of a sacred mountain in Mongolia.
Searching for rare Mongolian flowers in Moscow, the boys come up with a name: Temujin. Running a tea house in Moscow, the man is known for the rarest brews… and at this hour of the night, his shop is closed for business.
When the boys invoke the name of Fyodor Tsaryevich to get the shop doors open, it comes out that the boys are not necessarily in the street mogul’s favor – and also that their old boss may have ties with the magical underworld. Interesting, but not immediately useful.
Fortunately, Temujin finds pity in his heart when he hears Kolya’s story. Yes, the masterful brewer has a sacred golden chamomile, kissed by dawn’s first light. He’s even willing to give it up, in exchange for something: When Kolya finds his treasure, he give Temujin the most magical herb. When Kolya tells him that Fyodor Tsaryevich promised him money, Temujin just pats his face and gives him the flower.
When Kolya offers the flower to Baba Yaga, she takes it – and tells him that it has not been kissed by the first rays of the sun. Kolya assures her that it sprouted at dawn, and the old woman just laughs. Perhaps, she tells him… but it did not sprout in the rays the sun shed upon the earth when the sun was born.
Don’t worry, she tells him. He couldn’t have known that’s what she meant, and Kolya still has two more chances to save his little girls. With that, she sends him off to fetch the jar of a water goblin, and more importantly the contents – the soul of a drowned man, and the waters this vile creature drowned him in.
While Kolya heads out into the night, Baba Yaga opens the oven to sprinkle the girls with chamomile.
Not knowing where else to go, the boys return to Katya. Frustrated that they’re milking all her underworld contacts in one night, Katya protests – until the boys pay her double the last price and buy her a late night dinner besides. Then, she confesses that she knows a priest who has made it his business to save the souls of the damned. If anyone would know where to find a water goblin, it’s this FATHER SERGEI.
In the cozy, ornate warmth of the Russian Orthodox church, Kolya and Victor look more than a little out of place as they try to convince the priest that they’re on the up-and-up. When he checks them out with Katya and finds out they paid her for his name, things get twice as dicey… until he hears their story.
Then, he agrees to help on one condition – that when Kolya find his treasure, he give Father Sergei the most powerful Icon he finds. When Kolya tells him that the treasure is supposed to be cash, Sergei just pats his cheek and tells him the water goblin has a spiteful ex-girlfriend. This water nymph is how Father Sergei reaches the goblin’s collection of jars, and frees the souls of his victims.
Finding their way into the tunnels below Moscow, the two gangsters hunt for the water nymph’s sewer grotto – until they come upon a woman of dazzling beauty and bewitching nakedness. While Kolya keeps his cool and tries to stay on task, Victor really likes the idea of following her to a quiet place where they can spend some alone time.
Unwilling to let his friend get distracted and resolved to stick together, Kolya follows the hapless Victor to a shimmering sewer grotto beneath a moonlit storm drain… and it hits him! This is the water nymph!
Hissing with rage as her scheme unravels, the nymph prepares to attack! Kolya quickly makes their intentions known, and Victor – suddenly aware that it’s THIS WOMAN’S EX they’re out to rob, volunteers to be the one who swipes the jar.
When Kolya presents the jar to Baba Yaga, she huffs. There’s no soul in this one, she mentions. Not to worry. How were they to know that the priest had already set this soul free? Hey, Kolya still has one chance left to free his daughter!
Looking him in the eye, Baba Yaga tells Kolya to give her a FIREBIRD. While Kolya and Victor head off into the night, Baba Yaga opens her oven and pours the goblin’s water into the roasting pan that holds the two girls.
Kolya and Victor head back to Katya’s – but it’s late, and she’s fed up with them anyhow. They offer her money and presents, but her heart will not be swayed.
Checking in with Temujin, the boys ask if he has any idea where someone could possibly find a firebird – but he has no idea.
Over at Father Sergei’s, it’s the same story.
Sitting at a late night restaurant, sipping coffee, the two gangsters roll over the list of people who might possibly be able to help with something like this…
Until the name of Fyodor Tsaryevich is mentioned. While they’re not likely to get his help, he’s the only person with ties to the magical underworld who they have yet to ask.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
In the middle of the night, Kolya and Victor wake up their tempermental, vengeful gangster boss. To their shock and amazement, he invites them in for tea…
…and then has his goons YURI and IGOR knock them out cold. All the while, the candle is burning down.
When Kolya and Victor come to, they’re tied up. Fyodor Tsaryevich isn’t happy about their disobedience, and he’s brought a sledge hammer into the room to emphasize the point. Kolya tries to explain that he’s been dealing with family issues, but the big bad boss doesn’t seem to care. Work comes first, in his eyes.
Kolya begs for leniency, citing his many, many years of loyal service – explaining that when the boss finally makes good, he can give his daughters the life they deserve.
Fyodor Tsaryevich just laughs. How many people in Kolya’s line of work actually retire fat and happy? Does Kolya really believe that this life is leading to something other than what it is? Can Kolya possibly be so foolish?
Fyodor Tsaryevich explains to Kolya that you’ve got to look out for the things you care about… nobody will.
Kolya asks Fyodor Tsaryevich if he cares about his son, and Fyodor Tsaryevich admits that he does.
Kolya asks if maybe Fyodor Tsaryevich can understand why Kolya had to do what he did, and the answer is yes. But it changes nothing.
What changes things is the curse on Fyodor Tsaryevich’s son. If Kolya frees his daughters from Baba Yaga, he needs to focus on getting that curse lifted. Kolya agrees.
Recently, Fyodor Tsaryevich aided in the smuggling of a firebird from the magical forests outside St. Petersburg into a private, rare birds collection inside the Moscow zoo. Working with what information Fyodor Tsaryevich can provide, Kolya and Victor stage a daring heist!
When she sees the bird outside her doorstep, Baba Yaga utters the word “BURN” – and it flares up like flash paper. Baba Yaga holds the two men paralyzed as the reborn Phoenix flies away and she gathers the ashes for her stew. All is lost.
When he sees what she’s been doing with all these ingredients, Kolya finally gets it. His whole life has been spent giving his trust to shady people and playing unwinnable games. With Baba Yaga firing up her stove, there’s no more time for that…
Thinking on the fly, Kolya tells her that you can’t eat children without…
“Monster toes!” Kolya’s irrepressibly imaginative daughters continue to complicate his otherwise simple deceptions!
Wait a second! Kolya realizes that he actually knows where to find some monster toes! Can he convince Baba Yaga to follow him into the goblin’s lair? Can he get the goblin to drown her, instead of getting caught in the middle of a Moscow monster mash? Can he free his daughters, break the curse, and lay claim to Baba Yaga’s treasure?
Is Kolya strong and clever enough to finally start playing by his own rules? If he’s not, Baba Yaga eats well tonight!!!
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